As my life passes me by living pretty much a secluded life, my desire to be close to my creator deepened more and more each day, but I often found myself stuck in a standstill of confusion unable to take a step forward towards my Creator as I was drowning in all life's problem.
The year 2017 came around and the Lord dropped down the words prodigal bride into my conscience. I was confused. I've heard of the word prodigal towards sons and daughters but never as a bride. This lead me to a journey of mostly pondering what this phrase implied for the next several years. The little crumbs that our Father left lying around through reading the living word and the community I involved myself with was like a breath of fresh air to my soul. Springs of living water began to flow and I began to live. I had been dead to this point.
So that brings me to elaborate what a prodigal bride means. Some people may already know what it means and some people may not. The conclusion that I found from my few years of walking out this discovery was like a knife that stabbed me in the heart and I could not subdue the piercing pain. I was dying and wasting away. I was a living corpse. The very breath that God breathed into me was being drawn out by all my misconceptions of Abba and lies from the enemy.
Echoes from the deepest and darkest parts of soul surfaced.
"Who am I? Who am I," I asked of myself.
It echoed, "You're dumb."
"You're not good enough."
"You're not eloquent."
"You're just a stay at home wife."
"You're just a stay at home mom."
"You don't work."
"It's your fault."
"Dress up or he'll leave."
"That money isn't yours. It's your husband's money."
"You're the wife. You're the daughter. You're suppose to do all these things."
It formed a thinking patterned that I didn't realize that had instilled in me of who I was, my identity. I believed I was all these things. I believed I had to do all these things. My worth was based on what I could give to everyone around. I was fooled to please people, to be nice, to make peace, to sacrifice my life, and most importantly to fear man.
Once I recognized that, overwhelming grief plagued me.
"Let it all go. Let it all go," I gasped for air.
I was at the end of myself. Death was knocking on my door. In my desperation, God did not let me go.
Although, the Lord had already led me to start letting things go, little did I know it was in preparation for the journey he was about to take me on with those two words. I began to purge all the idols in my life that had left me blinded and deceived to believe that I was walking alongside my Lord and was running back to the Lord. I was making things right with the lover of my soul. The only one who would ever love me unconditionally. The one to cherish me and protect me. The only one who has ever had me in his thoughts. The one to long for me day and night. The one to delight in my presence and find joy in me. The one that thought I was worth enough to die for. The only one who was ever for me.
So what was a prodigal bride? It was the recognition that something was keeping me far away from the true and only God, Yahweh. The unfulfillment in my life. What I lacked. What I forgot about since accepting Jesus at the age of 10, my first love. I cheated on Jesus. I prostituted myself with all the cares of this world. I'm returning and making it right. My desire for what he desires. To die to myself everyday so that I can return to him everyday. That is what a prodigal bride is. The returning to the Lord, the bridegroom Jesus, and aligning myself and becoming one with him.
"Return. Return to me, my bride," said the Lord.